The First Draft

Hey hi hello!

As the title states- it’s been a minute! And a wild minute, at that. First of all… people are mentioning things about high school that didn’t actually happen? Like I know a lot of it is a blur for me… but certain things I am sure of. I don’t really care to give details because it really doesn’t matter. It feels like a lifetime ago, and whatever anyone else wants to believe is their business.

More importantly than that- I realized I don’t remember a lot of high school. As a fully grown adult, I have done some research and realized that anxiety/depression can lead to memory loss or poor memory. Idk about depression but my uneven eyebrows tell me I might have some anxiety… and the fact that this isn’t the first time my eyebrows have been uneven because I ripped them out tells me this isn’t new.

I’ve already been lectured about how pulling hair out is a separate disorder that is associated with anxiety, but that’s neither here nor there for now. I am growing back my eyebrow, and that is the important thing! Maybe my fingernails will be next.

At my next doctor visit I think I’m going to mention it, just because it can’t hurt. I’ve held off this long because I feel like other people have it so much worse… like I know I have lived a privileged life. I have place to live that I own, a wonderful dog with the cutest little seal face, a wonderful relationship, and a job that pays my bills and then some. WHAT could I possibly be so stressed out about? But with everything that’s been going on and the focus on mental health in the media lately (and lots of lurking on reddit) I’ve sort of realized… just because my life is baseline easier than a lot of people, doesn’t make my struggling less valid.

On the treatment front, I am also getting a mouth guard because someone grinds the hell out of their teeth at night. Wonder who that could be? I’m about 99% certain it’s gotten worse due to stress. I think my dental hygienist first mentioned it to me a couple years ago… right after I got the job that is a giant black hole of stress.

Anyway. I have a lot going on right now that I definitely plan on writing about, but I’ve really got to work through my own issues first. I’m really stressed out, so I’ve (temporarily) let this blog go. Something had to give. I’ve always been bad about over-extending myself, and nothing has exacerbated that like being stuck in my apartment/house since COVID started. All the time in the world, so many things that I’ve decided I can do (many looking for connections to people), and… I did a little too much and it made me shut down on almost all of it.

And I’ve started to dislike my house? One weekend I literally cried as we drove back. Simply because I am basically trapped here during the week and I wasn’t ready to come back home.

We’ve started decorating more which has honestly helped, because now I have more things I love to look at in the house and it makes it feel a little new again, like a change of scenery. I’m going to buy some more bookshelves so I can unpack my small library, and then I can focus at least some of my anxious energy on organizing them. And I’ll probably have some news soon that will definitely warrant a new blog post!

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading and I hope to be back to my usual blogging pace soon!